MissLalalalazy's Blog

So I brought in some chips and I wrote Community chips so everyone can have some. Sharing is caring! =) Well....there was a lot of Muslims working with me that night and of course I offered. They all came running in the break room. My boss, who looks like Flava Flav came in and ate some too...so three Muslims eating my chips with me. They ate it, good stuff...I said you like em?? They all nodded with a smile. Yea I said I LOVE pork flavored chips! OMG I was dying when I saw all their expressions, especially Flava Flav's eyes widening LOL...oh geez...I'm just a teaser though. I know better! Don't worry, they were only BBQ Frito twistos. Ohhhh I crack myself up sometimes.

At work closing...working...running around...parched...talking...it's hot. I take off my shirt and wearing my tank top, running around and getting stuff done. Then one co-worker says OMG is that a tattoo on your shoulder? I smiled and said yea, my only one for now. She goes what does it mean? I said strength and recovery. Another co-worker hears us. OMG Thai, you don't look like the type to have a tat. I tell them I went thru a lotttt...if only they knew...then I said I'm actually thinking about getting another one! It's gonna be a huge Phoenix on my back to symbolize rising from the dead, hell, crap, you know Life and it's weirdness...Both co-workers looked at each other and smiled. What did you say??? They both asked. A huge peeeenus on your back??!

That was very funny at that moment...yea I had to explain myself hahha...and drink water. Coffee just dehydrates me =(

Trust is like a nice blind person who gives and gives. Waits and waits in the uncomfortable room of rage. To be there just to calm everyone down by leading from example. Trust is the fornication of self sacrifice, most sincere and generosity to something you fear, hate, or appalling; spawning Love. Love is comprimise, a constant battle of fear and understanding and learning not from yourself but others you care about. Hope is the glue that holds everything together when in doubt. Time is the thing that heals those worried. The more worried, the more time needed. Sometimes I feel like it's taking forever for me to trust, love, hope and heal. I can't seem to let things go.

When it comes to trust...two main things comes to my mind, responsibility or will and loyalty or respect. Honestly, yes I give a lot, expect a lot and can become very attached. EASILY! I love to Love...sometimes too much it's not healthy. It makes me go crazy and yes the compromises are ridiculous. This silly thing called Love is what I yearn and need...while some Love can be poison to ones mind and soul. It's complicated. Love is weird, Love is Life...like Life it can sometimes suck!!!! When it sucks, you'll feel it. "It" will stay with you forever until you either lose all your memory from some miracle. The odds of you losing all your memory to erase a horrid past, especially a past on Love is like getting strike by lightning and having magic powers or winning the lotto while taking a crapper. Only in dreams, only in fairytales, only in movies and everything make-believe, sugar coated and over hyped and over-rated...is True Genuine Pure Sincere Love that actually lasts Forever...and lasts...and continues...stronger. Defying all obstacles. "I wish" we all wish to have it. We all deserve the best...but what if the best, is really too good for us to handle? The best usually takes time, a whole lot of patience, understanding, caution and consideration. Yea...then the sacrifice, honesty, humiliation, and other dramatic bipolar rollercoasters of moods sums up a big mess,"if it doesn't work out".

To think we put it all on the line, to risk and invest all the effort and time and money...that's commitment. I guess, maybe, I grew up too fast. Watched too many romance movies or cried too many times. I just want to be loved and want to love back. Being in love is what I deserve. I am worth it. If only needs were the same, then maybe I can finally stop all the weird nonsense to force or pretend something that's not "it". The constant need for a purpose, something to look forward to, plan ahead and take serious. Someone to say I will because I do, I want because I can...and I need because...I love you. It's real...What I'm willing to give. It's simple, this concept...but difficult to maintain. I must say I am very high maintenance because I am the best, if not then pretty damn close. There's no one like me. I know it. I'm serious. When I'm with someone that is near my level of maturity...it's not me who is lucky I might meet Mr. Perfect...no it's my realization that whoever it is that I give all my heart and energy to is very lucky to have me. So this person better not take me for granted. But I know there's no such thing as perfect in the human world...still though it's no excuse to fuck up. Close is good enough for me...but then again....

Then SUCK happens. What if you found "it" that fulfills all your needs and desires and all the above...What you thought was it, changes. We become better people and go through life changes usually because of something bad. When shit hits the fan...Yea, it happens, more than we acknowledge. All the silly things you did, endured and worked so hard for to improve means absolutely nothing! That my poor friend is such a gross physical and spiritual feeling on the inside that traumatizes and paralyzes you. Your life. It becomes you. Makes you who you are whether you like itor not. A force you cannot avoid...that's right. Knife straight to the back and through the heart that makes it beat so fast. They cheat on you. The adultery sin that breaks all the foundations of morals, virtues, values and most importantly Trust. It's not healthy to be heartbroken...over and over again. The heart and the mind is such a strong bond...and to break that is like almost killing whatever Good, we try so hard to maintain and protect...to keep sane. To care about someone so much takes a lot out of me. I'm not the average person, I always try to do more for others while neglecting myself. Sometimes I can pull miracles but something gotta give and it's usually my health. Then that saying goes, "You can't love anyone unless you love yourself" which makes it all strange because if you don't love yourself but you're putting so much effort to love someone else...what is the after product of that love, after filtering it all in? After all that time and toleration. Is it worth it? Love is sacrifice or love is selfish?...This is confusing. Could it be both or no real or right answers to what we are feeling? I feel too much. Maybe that is ultimately the problem. I can't seem to stop my reoccurring thoughts and concerns that eats me alive every night I ponder. I can't shut down my brain and block all this negative energy. Just all the things that are comprimised, tolerated and concerning. I just keep thinking and watching and waiting and thinking. This is so frustrating. I laugh, I cry, I sigh, I yawn, I stare and I think. It's a burden...to be stuck in the same spot, the same ill feelings that makes you question, doubt, assume and criticize. I am only a victim to my own bully. I think too much, I push myself, punish myself, forgive myself then cry by myself...crying not knowing the truth but only imagining the worst. Oh Trust...trust...trust...trust. Stressing myself to pull through and organize my next move. Fake it til I make it, and trying my best not to let the past dictate my thoughts. Trying to be optimistic. To have some hope, that it will be ok. "We" will work on it. Try to trust...blindly. Be the Good person you know you can be, and in time it will payoff. Karma is your justice and faith is your motivation. Whatever it is...be optimistic, repeat it til I believe it. Busy myself and don't worry. Save up, for "it". All of this...for love. Because I miss it and it's how it should be depending on my standards. But lately I have been getting weary and I know it's definitely not healthy. So I will rest, try not to be too hard on myself. Because I am to be loved too, if not by anyone then myself. If no one will...I will. This love continues in all aspects imaginable...infinity. Love and its endless course. An ending only for a beginning.

I don't now if anyone agrees but fall season is the most depressing season ever...and winter too. I look everywhere and the trees are changing and dieing...I can't help but compare it to people too. People change, some faster than others. I know it's bad to read so much into life but I can't help it. But! Fall season may be cold, always changing and dieing like people's hearts haha j/k...no seriously Fall season is the season of fashion! Oh yea baby...if you been working hard, pulling that overtime and picking up others' slack...work to live but don't live to work. Basically you deserve to spoil yourself. Live it up. Go get that bangin outfit and strut your stuff...life is too short. I'm not saying blow your whole paycheck, but shop with patience and enthusiasm. Yea it might help the economy too. Clothes and food makes me happy! I know I know it might be a lil materialistic and "money doesn't buy happiness" NO! It DOES, trust me...Money just can't buy love. Oh and believe it or not my favorite store is Goodwill, I've been introduced and converted. Dude, Banana Republic shirts for $5! You can't go wrong. I've been slowly changing my wardrobe because I can afford it hehe. The thing with Goodwill, yea it's used but if you like looking around you can find things that aren't used at all and still have the tag. You know why? Believe it or not some of these brand names stores donate to Goodwill. Well I still go to the expensive places too...just to get a feel of whats new out there. Sometimes great deals. It is something I look forward to when I work so hard. Bargain shoppin is great and so much fun. As a matter of fact I think I might go window shoppin for a new outfit today. It feels weird not working today but it's raining. Ohhhh emo season! But shoppin can make it all better :D and lots of ice coffee

Hush hush patient one please stop the thinking
So much dark doubts, it will eat you alive
Rush rush to the heart every time he's missing
Say nothing, keeping track as it hurts inside
Spark me some faith as I cling on to hope
Dark days without you, can't see where we go
She grips your time and it makes me choke
You lie...I know...less and less we spoke

Hush hush wise one please be understanding
Let him cross the bridge before it burns
Tough tough...time not enough and life's demanding
Will I light the matches I held so firm?
I can't sleep again and it might be me
The more I think about it, the more I believe
I am the Phoenix and I can't rest
You've awoken an old demon inside my chest

Hush hush nice one, come back to land of smiles
Where the sad people put on their happy masks
Just just forgive him even though it hurts awhile
Remember you're stupid or crazy everytime you ask
So trust blindly or don't trust at all
I search and search just to find your wall
I feel too much and I hold it in
I talk a lot, can you hear me? My walls are thin

Hush hush listen carefully to my heart
Damaged and stitched but beats inside
For us for us I'll take the darts
You throw at me whenever I tried
Romantic me to feel it all
To catch the high whenever I fall
Although I go so deep below
If you can catch me then you might know
My baggage is weight for you to handle
My love is light but burns like candles
I am a fire I cannot control
I don't want a mate...I want your soul

Hush hush I'll go to bed with you on my mind
Hush hush it'll be alrite...it just takes time
Don't rush don't rush this Love and Trust...it just takes time

You can find anything randomly funny at the internet...I heard about this on the radio last week. I forgot to blog about it! This is mad funny! This site gets a million hits a day LOL, if some of yall don't know it is:

www.peopleofwalmart.com

I like walmart even more LOL...why go to the zoo, just go to Walmart