Rinnie's Blog

5 stages of grief


1. denial
2. anger
3. bargain
4. depression
5. acceptance

I just realized I'm no where to the stage of acceptance. Still at the anger. I've tried. All summer.. But I guess I was in the stage of denial back then.. Then anger, never bargain.. It went straight to depression... and now it's back to anger... the hell is wrong with my head.. but when I set my mind to something, I'll get there. Fast and Strong.

I am sorry for being a bitch to you guys, but I did what I have to do. I now need to focus on my goals.... I'm sure I will get there soon..

Tonight is a cool night. The wind blows quietly and the air is fresh. There're some stars up in the sky and of course some clouds too. It's a beautiful night to express your emotion through the wind.

I'm closing myself out once again. It's not like I'm depressed or anything, I guess I'm just trying to figure out who I really am. I'm trying to see what's ahead of this journey. I just want to take a step back and see the whole picture.

My professor once told me that "you don't have to break down the wall to walk to the other side, you just have to step back and look for another way out. The wall might not be as wide and as thick as you think it is." I think that's what I'm doing right now.

I'm not giving up on fighting against the wall, I'm just trying to find another way out. I'm not running away from the reality, I'm just trying to see the whole picture. I seem to distance myself from other people but it's for my own good. It sounds like only a selfish person would do but you can do the same too. Just free yourself from the suffering.

skinny, big boobs, and big asses girls with their hotass pix being uploaded with tons of compliments from perverted guys on AA. Oh my... I wonder is sex the only thing on their mind? Hot girls with short skirt, tight jeans, and thin t-shirt, I wonder those are the only type of clothes they wear.

Are they horny? Like guys they just want to fuck? Or their intention is just to tease? I don't know, and I don't want to know. But what's bothering me is if you want to show off how sexy you are, would you please mark it as friends only.

I know this is the year of 2009 and no one really gives a shit about values of a woman anymore. Most girls love being sexy and the attention they get from guys. Every guys love looking at sexy girls. That's acceptable. It's human nature to fuck each other. But do it behind closed doors or private space.

You mother fuckers need to learn how to respect public space. That's why AA have the friends only button. So that all your hotass pix won't go around like candy bars on Halloween for kids.

I usually don't give a shit about this but this one pic I saw, it was so fucking disgusting. It's not right because there might be some kids who might log onto AA and see those pix. Man.. I don't want to see your fucking boobs hanging like you're going to feed your child some milk. I don't want to see your damn pubic hair cuz your gawd damn boxers were too low.

Sleeps really ruin my mood. oh my fucking gawd!!! I should take a fucking nap before I go to work. I don't want to fall asleep behind the wheel. :( Oh my.. what a fucking beautiful life I have these days...

I had a very busy schedule today. Today's agenda was mostly driving around. After I was finished with a few tasks, I needed some fresh air so I stopped by the park where I usually jogged in the summer. I stopped the car and just sat there for quite sometimes then got out of the car and walked to the bench next to the creek. There weren't any cars but mine and the two police officers' cars in the end of the parking lot.

I sat there for a few minutes and looked around. The trees seem to be dead. All the leaves that once used to be green in the spring and the summer are now turned into yellowish or brownish colors. They are not lively as they used to be. Like those leaves changing their colors in each season, we as human beings are changing our lives as each chapter comes. The only difference is we can predict which season will come after which, but we can't predict what chapter of our lives we'll be going through.

I looked at the leaves flying around. Our life is like the autumn leaf flying in the air. We have no control over it whatsoever. We are small, very light, and vulnerable. To a human being, we might think we're powerful, strong, and smart. But to the universe we're just like the leaves that can't control anything but follow the journey of life. Like a dried leaf we might get lost or break apart as the wind blows harder.

However, like those leaves, we should accept the situation that we're in. Just go with the wind, don't try to go against the waves because we might damage ourselves. When the wind is calm, we should find a place that can stabilizes our lives or try to understand the situation so that we no longer need to fight in the storm unwillingly.

Tonight I sit in the dark, I don't know how to feel. I'm listening to sad songs again. It's the feeling of missing something in life. Then the thought of having something in life balances out the sadness. The lyrics of the sad songs travel through my body. I start to feel cold. The coldness runs from my head to my toes....

Shhhhh.. close your eyes and listen. Just listen to the wind whispering into your ears. Can you hear it? Just listen and focus. You only can hear it if you listen to it closely... Hear the music. Peaceful song of love and hope. The music will guide you to the light. The light that would lead you to the destination you've dreamed to visit. Just focus and follow the sound of the wind.

It was almost 2am when I started to meditate. I wasn't feeling well but I tried my best to stay focus. I started breathing deeply but I couldn't. It didn't go all the way to my lung, I guess? So I tried to breathe slowly and quietly. I felt very uncomfortable. I tried to take another deep breath but it only went halfway down and I had to breathe out. I was very irritated by it. I just sat there trying to learn how to breathe nicely for about 15 minutes then just I gave up.

I can't believe that I don't even know how to breathe deeply. I didn't know this first step would be this difficult, learning how to breathe. I did pretty good with my concentration of breathing. But just the breathing itself was hard. However, like I said I won't be able to do everything right for the first time or the second time. I just have to be patient and continue practicing. When it's time everything will fall into place.

My first meditation was out of no where. I was lying down in bed and then I thought "hmm I should meditate cuz I can't take a nap anyway." I then got up to and just sat there, leg crossed. Eyes closed. I was breathing quietly.

Just for a few second, I started to think about what I have to do. My mind visited so many places. It was horrible!!!! I couldn't concentrate. Then I brought it back to myself. Breathe in and breathe out, I kept saying that in my head. Then I started thinking about the military and school. I had to tell myself to bring my mind back to my body again.

It wasn't good at all. I sat there for about 15 minutes trying to concentrate but I failed. My first meditation wasn't successful, and the solution is, I need more practice.

As I lie in bed reading the delicate worded letter I've never seen before in this life, it makes me think. You stress out your words gently for me, you almost made me hear your whispering sound. I close my eyes and reread each sentence to feel it in my blood. Your language speaks to my soul and makes me bleed inside my heart. Am I dying feeling the sensation of these powerful words? What is happening to me?

The more I read each word, the less I understand your language. Wait a minute... Am I listening to your song? or am I judging your lyrics? I should listen first before I judge such thing. So I continue to read your beautiful language. Yes, I hear you whisper these words that I've never heard before. Oh my sweet love. You speak softly into my ears, I then close my eyes. I could almost feel your warm breath against my cheek. Happiness rushes through my body. I slowly open my eyes with a gentle smile on my face.

However, to my disappointment, you're just my fantasy. You're an angel, angel of my dream. You're not real, you only make me happy in my fantasy land. Whenever I walk back to the reality, the thought of you makes me feel lonely. You're the loneliness of my reality. You make me realize that to feel the happiness, you first must understand the sadness. You're my happiness in my fantasy land, ironically you're the true sadness in my real life.