Time Travle and Reflections of Regret
Posted November 10th, 2007 at 07:05am
October 3rd. I should have written this down, way back then. Lord I have so many regrets this year! For that I appologize to my self. This is dedicated to the part of me who will always need reminding every now and then. But i encourage you to read on and get a better understanding of your "friend" as you may not know all you think you know about me.
Those of you who really know me, know the truth. Times have come that have made it sincerly difficult for me to remember what it is that I like about life. I wonder if my fear of death is the only thing that has kept me living or if it is the very thing that will take my last breath?
I used to love cuddeling up with you, watching movies in your arms or just writing and dong homework in your company. I loved the moments when you used to cook for me, and even though you annoyed me by forcing me to eat at 3:am; I miss those moments with you. Now I struggle to live for myself.
I love the fights of life; rather in actuallity I have a love-hate relationship with such fights; as they make you realize how much you truly care for the person your fighting with.
My best friend is a geneus; I hate her sometimes because she knows far more than I fear I will ever learn in the time allowed to me on this planet. But she's one of a handfull of people in the world who can make my stubron %#&@$! continue when life has hit rock bottom. I think she gives up on me every now and then, but when she does I remember how much I want to respect myself and have others respect me in the way that she does.
There has been two major new addition into my life this year; my little cousin Janelley. God, her eyes light up like mine! I've been told that I have a face that lights up a room, but if you've seen me on a bad day, you know that my face shows every emotion immagionable. I missed her being a "baby" now she's 3. I thought she was probably just another BABY so I missed out on her first steps. Now that I have seen her life, joy, and beauty; I want to forever be in her presence to gaurd her when life its self is just the opposite of her inner beauty.
The second addition to my life is another best friend of mine. I made a trade and swapped someone who loved me but didnt appreciate me for someone who would be willing to ride by that other someone's house and blow it up with me (j/k?!). Phone calls begining with; "Oh my Gosh" and "That B+*(" and tears were picked up with an open heart and true and utter concern.
I enjoy, No... I love that I'm my Grandma's favorate. I wish I could always be there and in the right state of mind when I'm with her, but sometimes this is impossible. But when it is not, I love early morning phone calls with her that go on for hours longer than I know her broken neck allows. I love that she respects my efforts in the right direction, despite the fact that she knows I occasionaly face plant.
I live for the day when I can see my little cousins childreen run across the street for dinner, with the excitement and energy that they do now. I can't wait until I sit with the adults (yeah I still sit at the kids table ...unless Im drinking) and I can watch them go to college, and come home on breaks.
Believe it or not, I love school. I pride myself on being a student, despite the fact I may slack on occassion; I probably know more than you do when it comes down to whats really going on in class. I love that I have made a personal connection with all of my teachers, I love that I am not just another face to them. I know that they will miss me when I finally lave that giant crater in down town San Jose that we call State.
I am a poet, regardless of if you believe me or not. I have rhymes and lyrics in my head equal in mass to Mya Angelou, and one day I'll write them all down. Simply knowing that I can do something as simple as expressing myself; something that so few people can do... is an amazing feeling.
I think it would be impossible to count the amount of times my mom called me on any given day...as she never actually stops calling! But, nevertheless I enjoy her constant effort to blend herself into my occassionally isolated life.
Simillarily, I love that my big cousin bores herself to death with my stories out of guilt or overprotection (perhaps), as I know she "loves" me.
When I have a place I feel at home at, I love re decorating. It brings out my artistic side...
Playing with Missy and Small Fry, Phobie, Beige, Bagel, and whatever other little pets sourround me, add to the joy of my life.
Tutoring makes me feel wanted and needed, and I love that my Tuttee has found something that goes beyond the language berrier to still thank me, and show her respect. I love our moments of poor Chinese, and ever-evolving English between the two of us.
I love the people in my life who have met me in the weirdest of situations, who share so many life stories with me.
If ever, I've deserved to move on to the next stage of development; its now. Twenty-One, has been the hardest year of my life, and Im over it. I have spent far too much time "recovering" and "rebuilding" the exterrior of my world; because the interrior is far to cahotic for me to bare. Life has run me for far too long. There are too many people in this world who need me; who's life would be derailled without me. They respect me, and pray at night for my growth, they look up to me with; they are the little stars of light in the "crushed velvet" sky.
If I could go back to Oct 3rd, I'd do it in a heartbeat.